When are we going to ban the evil stuff?

The Hazards of Baked Bread...

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE
HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell
of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components
of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced
global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the
government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make
anyone think twice ....

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
eating bread.

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that
as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The
average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence
of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items
such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body
being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey
bread-pudding person.

10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.


In light of these frightening statistics, I propose the following bread
restrictions:

1: No sale of bread to minors.

2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills
we might associate with bread.

4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to
children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.